Realising a wild dream…


I know you don’t think of me
Yet I await
I await the sharp intake of breath
One day that you take on seeing me
I await the one word of love
That you say under your breath
Will it be my name or some secret code?
That I will have to decipher then!
I dream of you with my eyes open
You taught be longing and waiting
Waiting for eternity maybe?
But on the last day on here
I shall meet you
And let you know in my last breath
I love you.


—Smita Nanda

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My inner voice berating me:





For not reacting
For reacting.

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Makes you needy


Do not covet oh heart
Beat a little slower
He is not yours.

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I am fine
No one can touch me
No one can reach me
They are gone
My tormentors are gone
I am whole again
I am not an impostor
I am real
I don’t need their validation
They can’t break me
This is real.

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Late into the night I look at the moon
The star laden sky and the darkness
Beckoning me to be one with them
The darkness within, the darkness without
It’s comforting; the moon, stars, sky
They will again be visiting tomorrow
Just like now
And the day after
Nothing will change
Whatever is happening now will be over
And life will go on as it is
With barely a cheer or a whimper
Comforting me in its continuance
In its mundanity, it’s predictability
These huge trees will shed a few leaves
And grow some too
Still swaying with the wind as if rejoicing
And life will go on as it is
This is what has kept me going
And will continue to give me strength
Nothing lasts and yet nothing changes too
I can survive anything because I know this.

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जब तुम्हारी याद आती है
दिल चुपचाप रोता है
जब आँखें तरसती हैं
मैं बेचैन हो जाती हूँ
जब धड़कन थम जाती है
फिर सहर आ जाती है
जब हवाएँ तेरा नाम गुनगुनाती हैं
एक और दिन चढ़ आता है
जब हार कर रो देती हूँ।

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I realise I am empty…

Divided between me
And my duties
Which is real?
Am I not important?
Can none see me?
Why can’t I shout?
Why can’t I cry?
I want to stand up for me.
Am I allowed to?
Do I have the right to?
Or am I a mere puppet?
But I want to shout
Let me shout.

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I see him
I feel him
He isn’t mine.

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I be creator of my life
I be creator of my destiny
My femininity not my weakness
My femininity not my destroyer
I no longer cater to egos
I no longer cater to wants
I no longer starve to nourish others
I no longer die to live others
I be proud of my strengths
I be proud of my weaknesses
I no longer ashamed to be woman
I no longer ashamed by their standards
I accept me, the faltering me
I cherish me, the vulnerable me
I accept my self hatred
To upturn into self love
No one can question me
No one can belittle me
Life no more tornado
Life no more upheaval
My kid the present
My kid the future
To nurture his wings to fly
To free him & scale the sky.

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People playing with emotions
People looking down at me
I made a boundary
My love the only fee
People see vulnerability
People see desperation
I had what was wanted
Dejection the only fee
People make me see a dream
People make me restless
I was the choice they had
Cold rejection the fee
People see me available
People see me always there
I am never considered
I am just the fee
People don’t want me
People don’t see me
I am a nobody
Nothing the only fee
People want compromise
People want change
I am left askance
Cold denial my penance
I have lived cold
I can die cold
No one can touch me
I proudly stand alone.

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