I told my wife I love her after she woke me up.
But I realized that she had been dead for the past 5 years.

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I want to hold him and cry, let him know all my pain that's going through in and out of me. I want him so bad here with me. But I am terrified that he will leave me one day too.
Although he is my first crush and my final love of my life. The one I chose to be with. The one I would sacrifice for. The one I would vow to love till death do us apart.

I am terrified to be a disappointment and a burden. But if I have to leave behind every single pain or my past to have happiness with him by my side, Then I would do so.

Because, I love him so much more than I would ever love myself ❤️

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The trauma hits me in my gut again,
Leaving me paralyzed mentally and physically. It's been 7 years. Why the fuck can't I forget about it?
Why...?

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I am so tired of explaining to anyone about the way I feel and the thoughts running in my head because I feel as though I am a burden to them, burdening them with my pain. Just a fucked up disappointment.
Just a torn-up monster in disguise.

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I am so tired..
I am so fucking tired!

Why can't you see that!?

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Most of the time in a day, I try my best to keep a big bright smile on my face.
But within I feel as though I am such a big disappointment to the people I love and care about.
Why can't I just be normal?
Why am I so fucking broken?
Have I not had enough?
Why do you keep treating me as though I am a piece of fucked up trash when all I ever want is just to be fucking loved!!?

Why can't you see me as a human being and not a toy?
Why can't I just be treated better?
Why can't you just treat me normal?
Why... Do you have to make me suffer, F?
What have I ever done to you?
Why do you hate me so much?
Why am I treated as a fucking piece of trash??!

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So close to ending my life every night,
But what is this pain in my chest that hurts so deep.
No one understands what I go through every single day.
A smile is enough to prove to everyone that I am okay but in reality, I am not okay.
How hard can it be for people to not recognize the pain I am suffering with?
Or is it just that I am so good at hiding it all?

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When I lost my best friend to suicide, I thought he left because I was unwanted. But now I realize the pain he was in while undergoing self harm and abandonment despite being there for him as much as I could be there.
The weirdness we shared and annoyed each other till we were fed up, The promises we made to have each other's backs till the end were all buried down to the ground.
Oh how I wish u were here. I am sorry I couldn't save you. I was just 13 years old. And I am sorry that I couldn't understand what you were going through, I am sorry.
But after you left this world, I sank into depression,
and that's when I learnt the meaning of self harm to relieve the inner pain. I wish I could visit your grave today, put your favorite blue roses on the ground, letting u know how much I miss you.
I just wish you were alive today, we could've celebrated your 27th bday today. I know you tried your best but you couldn't stay and I hated you for leaving me in despair for so long but I am sorry I couldn't save you.

Happy birthday, Johnny 💖
(You will always be missed & remembered)

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The struggle I go through everyday,
To put up a smile so you wouldn't see me cry.
I just wish for once, I felt the love instead of being so fucking numb within.

I wish and I just keep wishing, that it doesn't have to end this way.

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I am just so broken,
I just want to let go.
But this time if I do,
I want you to know,
I tried and fought so hard to stay alive.
But in the end,
A selfish monster is all I am for breaking your heart in two.

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