bittersweet smiles always leave
i cling onto them and lose myself
please break me further so i can have permission to cry
because i don’t feel i’ve earned the pain i gave myself
and happiness is only worth it when it’s numbing
but the void comes back worse when it subsides
and i have nothing to commit to anymore except false promises
so break me and maybe i’ll feel beautiful
or maybe i’ll drown in this void of unspoken demons
they live inside me and feed off my silence
and i’d hate myself even more if they knew
even though i have no clue who i am

-

three years of trying
they’re still shocked he’s not ok
and it’s confusing as fuck
and crying hurts
and the words make no sense to her

-

store bought happiness
happiness bottled under the sun
and sold for a sixpence
in a world just begun
built on columns of bodies
stacked neatly into shelves
i kissed you in the daylight
dreaming of your demise

-

i didn’t like my smile
so i cried instead

-

i hate every picture of myself
because i’m looking through your eyes
and i don’t know why i’m even alive
cause i’m a fucking mess
and you’re an illusion of my head

-

fear
like an alarm
i feel it jumping
out of my chest
my heartbeat aches
my mind elastic
and it bursts
in wasted potential

-

give me the validation i stole from myself
tell me you love me so i can love myself
tell me you need me so i can need myself
tell me what to feel
leave me so i can justify my loneliness
tear me to pieces so that i can be worthy of pain

-

alone with myself
i realise how much i hate her
is she me?
I don’t want to be her
anymore

-

feeling trapped
pouring my heart out
but it goes on and on
and i can’t find meaning
living for momentary happiness
that i steal from fake lives
because my own is unliveable, unlovable, unfixable
because i’m broken within
like a puzzle
but the pieces are torn apart and scattered
by the person they made me
and i’m so fucking tired
of waking up from this dream

-

my mind felt trapped in my head
so i closed my eyes and pretended not to exist instead
because to think is to succumb to the voices within
so i’ll fill the void
with empty calories and emptier promises
manifesting a future
that doesn’t exist
until all my tomorrows
seem as shiny as yesterday once did

-