It's almost midnight. I am standing at the window listening to some somber music, reminding me of you. I light a cigarette from my pocket. Taking a puff, I carefully observe the smoke disappearing into thin air. I wonder if it's the smoke or my love for you? The abandoned love which has vanished insidiously leaving no trace or that it has diffused in the air surrounding me, infusing into my arteries with every breath I take? I can't decide if I'm going away from you or I'm drowning in the love you left behind. I can't remember how the contour of your face felt like. Or the sound of your laughter on my silliest jokes. Or the feeling inside my gut when you'd touch me. Or the warmth of your hands intertwined with mine in cold evenings. Maybe it's not your memories that are fading away, it's my frozen heart turning grey.

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Your glistening brown eyes caught my gaze
If only I could be trapped till eternity in that maze
The warmth of your voice eased all my pains
Like a river of melody flowing through my veins
You held my hand and the world slowed down
In your love, my heart completely drowned
Waking up next to you with crisp sun rays kissing your face
I realised how easily you light up the somber corners of my soul, in your tight embrace.

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Anatomy of healing

Healing is not a simple one step process. It’s not that you decide one day to come out of your trauma and the next day onwards you start feeling better. It’s a haphazard addition of multiple small steps. It’s a journey of highs and lows.

There are days when you feel things falling into place. You feel the anxious waves inside your head reaching their shore. You start finding acceptance and comfort in little corners of your house. You feel safe and secure in own shell. You radiate positivity, you resonate with the universe.

And then there are days when all of a sudden you find yourself back to that diverging road.

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I wear my heart on my sleeve
With my naked truths lurking around
My vulnerabilities dripping all over
My insecurities craving your touch
And past haunting my nights.

Do you still dare to explore me?

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Little joys

He would say, “Intelligence is a gift of god and god is always there with kind humble people.” He would always say, “ When you wander how to do a thing, start doing it and then wander how you did it.” It moved me. He rekindles the fire of motivation inside me.
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फिर तेरी यादों की गली से गुज़रते हुए।
तेरे इत्र की ख़ुशबू से फिर धोखा खा गये
मोहब्बत की जुस्तजू में जलते हुए।

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डियर अमर
तुमसे मिलने से पहले शायद “प्यार” पर यक़ीन करना तो दूर मैं वह लफ़्ज़ सुन्न कर ही हंस दिया कर थी। मैं हमेशा सोचती थी कि कैसे दो अजनबी अपनी ख़ुशी से, अपनी मर्ज़ी से, बिना किसी कड़वाहट एक साथ सारी ज़िंदगी बिता सकते हैं?

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डियर अमर
जानती हूँ बहुत समय बाद तुम्हें ख़त लिखने बैठी हूँ। पिछले कुछ दिन बहुत भारी से निकले। कब दिन ख़त्म हो कर रात शुरू हो जाती है पता ही नहीं चलता। ऐसा लग रहा है मानो मैं ट्रेन में सफ़र कर रही थी और अचानक गाड़ी मुझे एक अनजान स्टेशन पर बिलकुल अकेला, जहां मुझे कोई नहीं जानता मैं किसी को नहीं पहचानती, छोड़कर चली गई है। दिन भर लगातार हॉस्पिटल में ड्यूटी और रात में वही घर का अकेलापन। तुम होते तो पक्का अभी दो कप चाय बनाते और बैठकर ज़िद करने लगते की दोनों एक हफ़्ते की छुट्टी लेते हैं और दूर पहाड़ों में सुकून से घूम कर आते हैं। और इस पर मैं और चिढ़ कर तुम्हें ज़ोर से घूरती।

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The sun is glistening right in front of me looking absolutely beautiful. It’s about to set and with that, another day would end making my hopes diminish more than ever. I wonder if all these people around me are lost too? Are their minds exploding with these noises too? Are they just pretending to be social while deep inside their loneliness is eating their flesh? I hope not. I really hope not coz it sucks to feel like a lost story no one ever bothered to suspect.
I am trying to swim; to float and it’s more difficult when there's no one waiting for you at the other end of the sea. My fragile boat can sink in anytime and I don’t know how much power my asthenic limbs are left with. Whether I’ll make it or drown, is a mystery.

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I know world is a really weird place. It can be cruel and insensitive many a times or perhaps most of the times. It can be judgemental, selfish, careless and what not. And being on your own where your happiness is not dependent on others, where you’ve chosen your own path, where its just you and your comforting personal space, seems a valid way out! And if you’re able achieve that, it’s really commendable.
But I think here’s the catch! You don’t have to cut yourself out completely coz of those few people you came across. You don’t have to force yourself to be lonely in the name of solitude to appear mature and wise in other’s eyes. You don’t have to create a false independent image of yourself and pretend to be at peace.
The anatomy of human mind is really vast and complex. It can go in spirals turning into big tornadoes in no time! It’s our human need to interact and converse and share that can’t be altered. Hence we all need someone to hear our naked truths and hold our hand in joy and sorrow. We all need a little support and care once in a while to function adequately. So according to me it’s not wrong if you want/expect that. You’d still be called a “minimalist”.

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