My guilt
is a gluttonous monster with a bottomless hunger.
One day, I'll disappear from this world
into its gut
and no one will even notice.

-

कुछ लोग तरसते हैं जाने को
कुछ लोग तरसते हैं मौके को
और कुछ होते हैं वो बदनसीब
जिनके पास मौका भी है और रास्ता भी
पर वापस जाने को कुछ बचा नहीं।

-

despite knowing you won't come.
You were never my lover
just a friend
just a misconstruction
of a lonely, desperate mind.
I still wait for you
because this horrific hope
wouldn't let me strangle
these outlandish dreams I've made
of you and me
which rest on no ground.
I will keep waiting for you
until my heart grows tired
and it understands the truth as the mind knows it:
You were never mine.

-

It's hard to stay afloat
when the world seems hell bent of drowning you.
It's harder
to not drown
when it's your own mind dragging you down,
cutting through the waters
making it look so easy to fall, to drown.
To simply close your eyes
and watch your world burn.

-

You live in a made-up fantasy of who you think I am.
I live in a made-up fantasy of how the world should be.
We're both disappointed and we are both upset.
But the world and my worldview, I think, can be changed.
With effort, with patience, and with acceptance.
You, however, can never change me,
to be someone you want me to be.
I am never falling to that level again.
Even if it tears me apart

-

It's so easy to say
'you poems have a lot of pain and sadness'
with a haughty intellectual look
as if it is something I was completely unaware of
until you brought it to my notice.
I am an optimistically pessimist and a cynic.
I am a hater of all things I assume are phony.
'Human life is a tragedy' and that's what I agree with.
And not to write that tragedy right in front of your face,
blowing up, shooting off, falling down
is not what I can do.
I write pain because I'm an artist (I think),
because I'm a writer.
Because that is my filter as a writer.
That the world is a sad, ugly place with few glimmers scattered in between.
And human existence is hopping from glimmer to another.

-

I have spent too long learning empathy
to be the cruel one now
even if I can be with no repercussions.
That's not me.

-

I am not a Kdrama or an anime character.
My suffering isn't aesthetic
My pain doesn't make me the 'cool' survivor who can survive anything.
I'm miserable.
It's not beautiful type of suffering
I replay the tasks I need to do in my head
but can't even get out of bed for days.
The only thing stronger than my despair is shame
and these two together makes the world's most vile cocktail.
There's nothing I wouldn't give away to not feel so much, so deep
but this pain is part of my identity too.
I don't know how to live with this.
I don't know how to go ahead in life with this.

-

No matter how many pictures I click
No matter how much I write
Nothing can really show the mess behind the screen.
No way to express the emptiness seeping deep into the very fabric of my existence.
Everything has begun once again
to hurt more, to irritate me more, to sadden me more.
I want to rest.
No more fighting in a war that I can never win.
But not fighting is not an option I can afford.
I'm hoping. I have my fingers crossed.
I'll weather the storm one at a time.
At least I hope to.

-

being rejuvenated after dying of Sunday scaries and Monday blues.

-