An open letter to my best friend who was,
I'm not filled with remorse, regret or pain or even grief, but an astounding fear, what if i get used to be a world without you, one thing i had once vouched I wouldn't be able to stand? But....
So many days have gone by & it's not your absence that strikes me every now and then, but your lingering aftereffect. I still turn around hoping to find that you have my back, but an eerie absence smirks back at me.
Silence speaks loudly, "She had promised she wouldn't leave, didn't she? You thought she wasn't like everyone, didn't you? Well, well, she was absolutely like everyone, coz everyone promises so."
"But i haven't left her side, i won't ever do, have i yet?" Loneliness retorts back.
"Touché!" answers back Fear.
I have befriended Loneliness & her faithful accomplice, Soltitude. There's this mindblowing beauty in melancholy.
The only clamour i hear is that of Silence. She has replaced your voice.
I am locked up behind four walls with my demons, i want to get out but the door has too many locks, i am tired of opening the wrong ones. And i have run out of keys. But your absence is teaching me ever so slowly how to live without you, unaware it's making me stronger.
"Is she ever coming back?" asks Ego in her caustic tone i have grown so used to. "You're a killer," is all my feeble voice utters.
Tonight i'll go to the place where you, my best friend, have buried our Friendship alive & i'll lay a rose on the grave, i bet the corpse is still warm.
"Why, again?", you asked pointing to the cigarette held limply between my chapped lips.
"Habits are easier than reason", I answered, words escaping my mouth with the smoke, both fading into the darkness of the night.
You smirked & flicked the lighter, the blue flame lit up your face. I could clearly see the intricate lines of your forehead, those black eyes which never turned brown in sunlight, that dark humour which played a discordant harmony on your lips, those sunken cheekbones and dark circles under your eyes, reeking of insomia and that one thing which always fascinated me - your birthmark just under your left eye, covering most of your left cheek like an ink blotch.
As if a writer spilled ink on his drafts in utter mindless haste.
This deliberate brushstroke on a masterpiece that was your face was mind blowing to me, horrendous to the world. Maybe that's why they cringed when they saw your face while I fell in love. I have similar scars on my heart, just because people can't see mine and can see yours, you become ugly?
That's why you had thrown away all the mirrors in your house, used those concealers to cover it up, and draped the scarf everytime you went out?
But that night, you stripped off your clothes and sat undressed in front of me yet you weren't naked. But then you removed your make up and the scarf and that's when the stark nakedness hit me. You bared yourself & I fell in love.
I reached out & caressed your left cheek, I would lie if I say they weren't damp, I looked into your eyes and suddenly, a memory stared right into my eyes from the depth of yours.
The first time I saw you.... 19 years ago, in the kindergarten school bus, they made fun of you while you didn't shed a tear, while I couldn't do anything. How could I when I was the one who laughed at you the most? Maybe if you had cried, I would have teased you again but I couldn't. From that day, I couldn't stare you in the eyes and talk. I was ashamed.
Till tonight, here you are, nineteen winters & nineteen summers later, in my room, staring right into my eyes.
Why are you crying now? I don't know.... wish I never did.